Hi. It’s been ages since my last post. I was caught up with a roller coaster of emotions since my mom died. I got scared of writing thinking my grief will open a Pandora box.
But here’s to update: I got busy with grief and denials and everything in between I found myself building a garden at my backyard. Not because it is the trend now a days or because gardening they say is one of the best tress relievers but mainly because this is one of the things I thought of doing to relive and cherish mom’s memories. So expect a lot of plantita updates from this day onwards.
Now let me start with my Monstera Collection.
My ultimate dream on my plantita journey is to have atleast one Monstera Deliciosa. But for some reason, they were so evasive so I thought I would just settle with Adonsinii and Peru.
I was actually tagged as Alocasia queen by one of the plant sellers 😂 but my heart for some reason actually belongs to Monstera. It could be the foliage, the uniqueness of every kind or maybe how it stands out among all other plants in my eyes. Or probably the impalpable beauty in its imperfection that drawn me to it.
Or maybe, the challenges the goes with it.
My experience with Adonsinii, the first Monstera I have, was a love-hate relationship kind of thing, I wanted to keep her so bad but she was so hard to read, finicky and fussy to the point of hating her because she makes me feel incompetent, weak and incapable. Insane as it may sound, I even prayed to many gods for the last cutting I have to survive. I could buy another pot but I told myself no, if this one dies, my dream dies too.
But I am born a fighter. I fight hard. I love hard. No half measures. Once I set my mind on things, I put my heart in it. I exerted great efforts to the last surviving cutting of my Adonsinii and thanks to whoever god that’s heard my prayers, things went well after countless repotting. From there I know, by heart, that I can finally start to live the dream.
Came my 1st Deliciosa, then 2nd and 3rd. I now have Borsigniana, Tetrasperma and challenged myself to get a Variegata and Dubia And I even have the local Monstera. The dream has come full circle. Because I didn’t give up when things were hard and challenging and finicky!
Some says I have a crazy plant collection. Aside from Monstera, I have Alocasia, Anthuriums and Calatheas. I am that crazy. And determined. And with the craziness/determination, I can’t also deny the obsession on wanting to fix things and wanting to take care of them or of people or to keep them close, no matter how hard it is to love them or how challenging it will be for me. So, no matter how crazy people think I am, I’m glad I didn’t give up the 1st time. Otherwise I wouldn’t grow this collection this big. I wouldn’t be able to tell my self, “Hey, you did it!”
It’s a small win. But who cares?! What matters is how this has changed my perspective about planting, loving and giving. And surviving, too!
I thought at first it is the sense of triumph in being able to feel the love back after all the efforts I have exerted. I thought I was giving love to get the love I think I deserve. A two way street for me as I am done with giving out myself and losing it in return. I thought we can’t go one way, Otherwise, we go in circle, exhausting ourselves trying to find our way out.
But what I realized is overcoming my shortcomings and weaknesses is the one that truly gives my life meaning and the sense of victory in winning the countless battles thrown at me is the one that kept me going. I realize I was planting love to grow not only love but perseverance and strength and self worth. I am planting, loving and giving not because I am expecting something in return. But because that’s the beauty in living; you get to live your purpose to the fullest.
Loving they say is scary. May it be for the things we want to keep forever or people we can’t let go. We fear that in every givings, we don’t receive the same amount of effort and time and everything will be just for nothing. We get used to the thinking that it is from the amount of love we receive that validates our emotions, our existence. But love like planting no matter how challenging and confusing things may get, inevitably makes us grow. It gives us this impalpable strength to hope that in every seed of affection we plant, we grow a better person. We grow fulfilling our whys. Our purpose. Our being.
“Love indeed is like a monster(a) that we sometimes fear, and yet so delicious(a) to resist.” – PlantMomma Maldita
Where do I get my Monteras?
Manila Jungle by Ms K (IG: @manilajungle)
Monstera Manila (FB: https://fb.me/Monstera.Manila | IG: @monstera.manila)