There’s a particular social behavior I’ve observed often, so often, in fact, that it’s hard not to reflect on its deeper implications. It’s the tendency of some people to speak negatively about others in private, only to act warm, friendly, even overly gracious toward those same individuals in public.

At first glance, it might seem harmless. Just a form of diplomacy or social navigation. But the more often I witness it, the more I find myself questioning the boundaries between civility and hypocrisy.

Let’s be honest: we all have moments of frustration, and sometimes we need to process those feelings in private. But when someone consistently criticizes another person behind closed doors, then publicly performs friendliness, it raises a red flag. What does that say about their values, or their capacity for authenticity?

From a trust perspective, this inconsistency is troubling. If someone can seamlessly shift between criticism and camaraderie depending on who’s in the room, how can anyone be sure where they stand? It creates an environment of second-guessing and guardedness, where sincerity is no longer the default.

Of course, social grace matters. But so does integrity. Politeness loses its meaning when it’s only skin-deep.

Ultimately, I believe in kindness that isn’t performative, and in honesty that doesn’t require an audience. Trust, after all, isn’t built on how well someone smiles, it’s built on how consistently they show up, both in private and in public.

Oh, me and my uneventful days! Clearly I have too much time if I’m noticing this kind of social gymnastics. Blame it on my OCD; I spot pattern shifts like a hawk and get irrationally annoyed by moral inconsistency. Again, it’s not drama, I swear. It’s just my brain throwing glitter on red flags.

Although in the end, maybe it’s not about calling people out, but calling ourselves up, to higher standards of consistency, clarity, and sincerity. Because in a world full of curated versions, being real is still the rarest thing we can be.

Love,

Ana 💋