If life is the widest ocean, being the arrogant with excess baggages inside, I was like a big lost ship braving the waves going nowhere. I was big and yet unstable, I have tried many times to face storms that almost flooded me and sunk me to death. The battle was tiresome. Once, I decided to stay on a calm sea, thinkin it will make me feel safer. And yet, the wind and waves brought me back to the center, to face bigger waves. I feared for my life again. But Because I was arrogant And believed I could survived everything by myself, I sailed and sailed again. And reached nowhere. I thought I needed an anchor. But I ignored the voice inside and sailed again.
It made me feel empty. And weak. And was arrogant to admit That I am both. Or ignorant perhaps to admit, I am really weak to begin with. But the world is so accommodating it offered compensations. Fame, money and fake friends to cover up the empty holes, temporarily. I was under the impression that all these can make me happy. That happiness comes from enriching oneself. I started flaunting, projecting a happy life, trying to convince others and myself that this is happiness. Because I was lacking true sense of myself, people’s admiration became my validation. Only to find out that I have just elicited jealousy, envy and hatred. I was insensitive to flaunt. I have created enemies and haters. Full of myself, I disregarded what others might think of me and made myself believe that I have nothing to do with their insecurites but in reality, it was my insecurity that brought me sadness. I was a fool to believe that all these temporal things can compensate my meaninglessness. Then, I become weary. I was again pulled back to my reality; weak, exhausted, empty and lost.
One morning, I woke up asking, What have I become? Where am I now? I reflected and found myself on my knees, praying. And then a small voice inside me whispered, “time to go home now, child”.
So I decided I am making another journey. The journey I should have taken long ago but consciously ignored because I let the physical world overwhelmed my being. In every travel I have made, no matter how profound, and exciting, and inviting the culture is, nothing truly comforts me, but Home. And I realized that the Home I need to go back to is where Jesus is. And the Faith to the Lord is the anchor that I’ve been missing the whole time. I am going back to my dwelling place. Where I can rest all my worries and fears. I am going back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about Jesus, the son of God.
I am taking little steps. I cannot yet claim to be righteous and faithful, It is something somebody like me, a sinner, cannot claim. When you are surrounded by humble people despite of their undeniably strong faith to the Lord, it makes me cringe to claim righteousness. But with God’s forgiveness and Jesus’s death, I am sure, with all my heart, I am on my way now to the right direction.
I am not righteous but I have found faith in the Lord! I was once a lost ship, but God, has found me.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.